Abandon My Family?

by | May 15, 2020 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

I almost left….


How could anyone leave their family? How could you just up and leave like your family doesn’t need you? Like their feelings don’t matter? How could you live with yourself knowing you’ve left them to fend for themselves? 


These were the questions that I have pondered to myself…


Typically guys get a bad wrap when they leave for whatever the reason is, but let’s switch it up. What if it was the other way around? What if the mom was the one who left? 

Last year I went through one of the hardest times of my life. It taught me a lot, especially about myself. The pressure of keeping it all together was almost unbearable, but by the grace of God, I kept going. There were so many times where I wanted to walk away. I would stand in a daze, contemplating packing a bag and putting it in my truck. When the time would be just right, I would just drive away and not come back. 


There were no breaks. I had five littles who needed me to be almost everything to them, and I could barely pull myself together to make breakfast. I was broken and in pain …they didn’t get that. They didn’t understand that, nor did I want them to. I felt like a shell of a person who forced herself to laugh, hug, and be present the best I could with my babies. 


Too often, we as mothers are expected to bear the weight of the things concerning the household without skipping a beat. Who is there to help bear that load? Who is there to help you carry everything? Some of us have significant others and family members who are very hands-on and some of us do not. Unfortunately, we are expected to do it all because that’s how their mother did it. That’s how our mothers or motherly figures did it. Honestly, it is unhealthy. There should be a balance. Too often past events typically stemming from childhood have tainted the way we maneuver in our adulthood. We do what we are taught, what we see, how we think a picturesque household should look.


Can we get real for a bit? How much of your daily responsibilities cause you to feel overwhelmed, burned out, sad, out of touch with who you are? Let’s dig a bit deeper…


 Do you even really know who you are… you know, independently from your family?


I can’t speak for you, but me?!! I didn’t. When that picture of an ideal family broke down, so did I. At first it was internal and private and only I could see it. Then it began to spill over externally and I didn’t care. The reality of the weight that I’d been bearing just left me feeling like no more will I stuff how I’m feeling. The issue was my responsibility as a mother could not be put on hold while I faced and worked through that hard place.


2 Corinthians 12:9(NLT) Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses so that the power of Christ can work through me.


I was weak, but God was and still is faithful. In my weakness, He showed Himself strong. During that time, all I wanted to do was lay down and hide… honestly, for the most part, I did. The one thing that I remained consistently doing was going to church. My cup was empty, so even if I couldn’t pour into my children at least they’d have an entire church family to pour into and love on them. I remember one day I went up during an altar call and I told my pastor that I needed prayer because I felt like just leaving everything behind. She told me you’re going to go to jail. LOL. I mean she was plain and blunt. I thought to myself but I’d leave them with their father though, how sway?!! As funny as I thought it was, it made me realize 3 things:


  1. God is intentional. He puts the right people in your life, at the right time and you never know how they’ll show up for you in your greatest time of need. (Even if it’s a much-needed rebuke)
  2. God will not put more on you than you can bear. Sometimes we feel overwhelmed mentally and physically when tests and trials come. They will challenge you greatly but it is not to hurt you. Those circumstances are made for you to learn, grow, and establish you. Character is built and refined in hard places.
  3. God will walk with you through the broken places, accentuating the very things He’d put in your life for that very time. For me, it was my fifth child. Honestly, after number four I didn’t want to have another baby so soon. Number five was everything I didn’t know I needed. During the most difficult time of my life, he forced me to pull myself together and talk to him, play with him, cuddle with him. Sooo many laughs even though on the inside everything in me just wanted to completely shut down. He kept me going. 


Sometimes in these places, we ask God why. Why would such a loving God allow me to go through all of this?


Have you found yourself questioning God like that? If so, bask in this hope: 


Psalm 142:3(NLT), “When I am overwhelmed, you alone know the way I should turn.”


Sis, God already knew and He knows what to do next…trust Him.