Just When

by | May 15, 2020 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Have you ever gone through a season in your life where everything just felt wrong? Nothing flowed right. Your mind was all over the place. Your peace was disturbed, and you had no idea how to fix anything?

We all experience these types of seasons at different points in our lives. Mentally, emotionally, and physically the circumstances are often very draining where all you want to do is run away…

I’ve been there more than once.

It doesn’t make it any better than everyone around you can see something you absolutely cannot because your situation has tainted your perspective. You get the common words of encouragement, but wonder who in the world they are referring to because the only thing you can see about yourself is how much you have been messing up!

Disappointment after disappointment! All you can feel is anger and frustration (which is at an all-time high), but you put on this mask and make the most of the situation. Even though you have on this mask and you’re pretending that everything is OK, the situation just gets more and more explosive.

Until finally you realize…I am not handling this thing, this thing is handling me!

But just at that moment, just at a time where it looked like nothing was going to change, everything just looked all wrong, everything just looked like it was about to fall apart… a shift happens. Something changes.

For me, God stepped in.

Just when I thought it was over, just when I was at my breaking point, God turned it. He wouldn’t allow me to run away from the situation, he wouldn’t allow me to sit through another season of stuffing or concealing how I felt. The events in my life were so heavy on me there was no mask that I could put on that would have covered the pain. I had to come to a place where I had no choice but to be vulnerable and transparent.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

I had spent such a long time trusting in myself, trusting in my spouse, trusting in other people but I don’t know if I trusted in the Lord like I said I did.

 Our mouths would say one thing but our actions would say another. I would say, “ oh God I trust you”, but they were just words and they were empty.

 God wanted more, rightfully so because He deserved more! He wanted me to acknowledge Him in all that I did. Jesus knew that if I did that, then He would direct my path… I couldn’t see that.

I could only see the hurt… I could only see the broken parts… I could only see the pain… that’s all I could see. Everything just looked a mess. Everything looked irreparable. Everything looked just unattainable.

How could God deal with a broken mess like me? Like my life? I couldn’t get it right, everything I was doing felt wrong and I was weary. How could God do me like that? Now wasn’t the time for Him to be silent with me, I needed Him. I needed comfort, I needed relief…I wanted my way! As I sat there like, look at my life God, now what? I was desperate. I had nothing left to lose. I reached out to a young lady on Instagram who I didn’t know. Honestly, I don’t even know how I came across her live, but I know now that God set it up. Divine appointment. She was praying for people, so I submitted a prayer request and waited until her next live the following night. God spoke through His prophet saying, “I’m not that complicated. You come to me in prayer, but you leave before I have the chance to talk to you! He revealed things about my identity and my past. To be honest I had no idea what He was talking about. That part weighed so heavily on me that I finally took the time to replay the events in my life to pinpoint where the event could have occurred. As I stood there in the garage I  remembered the day…tears began to roll down my face… At that moment I experienced clarity. Immediately I knew. I couldn’t believe something that felt so insignificant in my life played such a vital component in the shaping of who I’d become.

God just wanted to heal me… he didn’t just want to deal with me, he wanted to deal with how I felt. He wanted to deal with what was the real root of my issue.

Often we go through things and we think that what we voice as our problem is the actual problem but sometimes that’s not the case. Our perception is, “what you are doing to me” or “what is happening to me” is why I’m going through this or feel like this. The reality is there is often an underlying event from our past that is the root of the actual issue. For example, when I was having some issues in my marriage I found myself very angry with my husband but the reality was I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry with myself. I was upset about feeling like the hard place I was in was his fault. The reality was… it was really mine! It was my insecurity and my past that had shaped me into who I had become, and I was mad at that.

The next couple of months was spent healing, apologizing, and taking responsibility for my actions, words, thoughts, and emotions. It was hard and difficult…I was broken and wounded but I was willing to give God all those broken places because God can deal with broken he can handle it.

 Unfortunately, that willingness did not come easy. There were times where I contemplated walking away, just completely up and leaving. Little did I know that right there… right at that breaking point right, at that point of surrender, right at that point of vulnerability… just when I thought it was over and I couldn’t go on- God step right in. I was far from being healed or being whole, but I was open to what God wanted to do in me.

I want to encourage many of you in your “Just when moment”. You may feel like you can’t go on, or there’s no way out, how can this be fixed but I want to let you THIS is NOT your end. THIS will not destroy you. It may make you uncomfortable and push you to deal with things that you may have been putting off and sweeping under the rug, but this will pass.

Just hold on…

JUST WHEN you thought it was over… you learn that this is only the beginning to your something NEW.