Trauma

by | May 21, 2020 | Uncategorized | 0 comments

Trauma defined is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. For some of you who have been rocking out with me for a little bit reading through the blogs and everything else like that you’ll remember that I mentioned time and time again that I’ve experienced some trauma. What you also might take note of is that I never mentioned what that trauma was. Well, I think it’s about time that I opened up about it.

Divorce.

After 10 years of marriage and five children, I went through a divorce. It wasn’t ugly, but it was devastating. I didn’t know that I could endure pain like that. I would dare to liken it to death.

 It feels like a part of you dies.

There were days where I didn’t know if I was going to get on the other side of it. Again, not because the process was ugly but because the weight of caring for five children a majority of the time on my own, while actively healing was very heavy for me. I can’t speak on anybody else’s experience, and as many times as I’ve tried to tell myself you’re not the only one who has gone through this and you won’t be the last person to go through it I refuse to downplay the very real feelings of pain, anxiety, and heaviness of taking on such a load. 

There was so much that I had to face about myself leading up to the finalization of the divorce, and that for me probably was the hardest part. For pretty much my entire marriage, give or take a year, I hadn’t worked. I was a homemaker. In those years I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, I found my identity in taking care of my family. 

I had no idea who I was. 

Have any of you ever been there?

There are so many what if‘s that go through your mind when you are going through something like this because you don’t know what’s gonna come of it. You have no idea what moves somebody who you’ve been so close to for a good portion of your life is going to do because they feel like a whole new person at that time. Now, this is not to say that my ex-husband was being horrible or anything like that, but again these are just thoughts that run through your mind in that place and it ran through mine. 

There were five main things that I learned about myself that God had to reveal to me for me to heal.

  1. I was afraid to be alone.
  2. Loneliness thought it was my friend.
  3. I felt abandoned as a little girl. This stemmed from a traumatic experience for me in my childhood.
  4. I had a fear that I would never amount to anything.
  5. I didn’t value myself and I felt like I would never get it right.

Now a lot of memes on social media joke that when a woman goes through a divorce she finishes school, works multiple jobs, is taking care of her kids, and making bank. 

I would like to meet her and ask sis, “are you really okay?”

LOL, I’ve seen plenty of single mothers just be as strong as they want to be, but I also noticed that some of them never fully face everything that happened to them. Some of them will either avoid relationships or jump right back into another one without giving themselves time to process what happened. I refused to do that. It wasn’t because I couldn’t move on, but rather I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to go through this again.

Has there ever been a time in your life where the pain was just so unbearable that it was easier to ignore and sweep the problem under the rug to avoid the realities of the pain?

If you refuse to face the hard things in one relationship and go into another one you will face those same hard things in the next relationship because you never properly healed the first time, albeit it may be packaged differently next time.

To be honest, I’m in awe of God. I sit back and think about all the events that have occurred, all the pain that I’ve faced and I’m pretty amazed that I had such a peaceful divorce. All glory to Jesus. 

 In my mind no matter what happened, no matter what was said I refused to ruin my witness(of who Jesus is in my life) for anyone. Let’s be clear there were plenty of hiccups along the way. God checked me a few times. Remember, I almost walked away from my family. There were times where I felt like I was going to lose my mind but glory to God I’m still standing. 

One of the biggest pieces of advice that I can give anyone who goes through something as heavy as a divorce or as painful as a break up is to identify what season you are in. 

 

“There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven—”

‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭3:1‬ ‭AMP‬‬

I spent quite some time racking my brain trying to figure out certain things, trying to figure out how I was going to make it work but all God wanted me to do was rest in Him. I mean y’all, I went out and went on three job interviews. I was offered two of them. Keep in mind I haven’t worked in almost 10 years, but they offered me positions with high pay and benefits. Ultimately the job that I accepted I walked in and interviewed and applied the same day, went through a two-week interview process, and was offered the position.

Worthiness and valuable.

Although God didn’t want me to work in that season, I believe he allowed me to take the position to show me that I was more than what I thought that I was and I had more value than I thought that I did. I left that job after about a month. From the time the job started up until my last day, I had a horrible sinus infection. This thing would not go away. I kid you not the day I left, was the day I begin to feel better. Instantaneously, I knew I had been outside of God’s will. Sometimes we go through life and we make decisions that are not in God’s will, but trust that God will always steer you right back on the right track if you let him.

My employer was such a blessing. They let me leave immediately, they prayed with me and gave me holiday pay that I wasn’t qualified for. Keep in mind this wasn’t a faith-based business. The funny part is I was offered another job with a higher position at another school, but I knew that it wasn’t right for me. Realizing I was in a season of manna, it dawned on me that God was sustaining me. Even when I didn’t know where provision was going to come from, God came through for me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Now He’s allowed me to serve others with what He has poured into me in that time of healing. No one should have to go through a time like that alone, but often out of embarrassment, shame, or just not finding anyone to relate to what you’re going through we often do…

I just want you to know that you don’t have to.

One thing I noticed was that out of all the groups out there, I couldn’t find one with everything I was looking for, so I created one! 

If you’re looking for a community go here and sign up. For a more private setting schedule a Heart 2 HEaRt.

There is indeed abundant life after this… sometimes you just need a little help getting there.